Remaining true to oneself

Mak had reminded me numerous times before I flew off to Leeds, “Jadilah macam ikan. Betapa masin pun laut, ikan tetap tak masin”

I had shared that advise with so many friends at college that one or two had (teasingly) wrote that piece of advise in my own autograph.

The gist of Mak’s advice was clear as crystal – stay true to yourself. Never let some unconstructive environments change you. I've tried my best living according to that principle – and I did, at least during the years I was a student in UK…

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“I supposed if our old friends were to see how I behave at work now, chances are, many of them would be repeating lots of istighfar,” Yam remarked semi-seriously.

It was almost a year since we last met. I was on my almost-annual visit to her place, going there especially to present my god-daughter, Khadijah Najwa, her fifth birthday gift belatedly. After I spent some time playing with her two daughters, Yam and I began to converse and then started comparing notes on how we have changed since our graduation.

“Nay, they won’t shake their head in disbelief at you as much as they would at me,” I refuted

“No, I’m worse,” Yam insisted

“No, I’m worse. You have no idea how ashamed I am now of some things I had done during my training days,” I confessed.

“It couldn’t be that bad...I mean, what could be the worst thing you would have done… Surely it could not be all that bad…”

I shook my head, negating her statement, “You won’t believe what I did…”

I listed to Yam the 'wrong doings' I'd committed that had never sat well with me.

“You did all that?” Yam stared at me in disbelief.

Feeling rather wrenched but relieved to be able to share with someone I trust, I nodded.

Yam said quietly, “I guess we all have become different people from who we used to be and are not so proud of ourselves, then.”

How true.

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Out of necessity, I started missing my usrah sessions a couple of years ago. Then, after some time, I changed the way I dressed; my tudung shrunked and a few pair of jeans appeared in my wardrobe.

Subsequently, the way I think, perceive and do things changed too. Which would be okay had it been an improvement of the old me. On the contrary, I was becoming someone my old self would not quite approve of.

For a while, the set of values and principles I believed in was set aside. When I joined a training course for six months, I committed most of my ‘wrong doings’. I probably wouldn’t have done all those foolish stuff had I been in a similar supportive group of friends I had as a student, but in the middle of a liberal-minded society, no one cared much if you commit something you might have thought 'wrong' if they don't see anything so wrong with it. In any case, one's man meat could be another's poison.

Still, I do not blame anyone else but me for not staying true to myself. After all, Mak had instilled in me years ago, it is I who should remain unchanged in spite of any disruptive environment – just like a fish remaining unsalty, no matter how salty the ocean is.

It is true that often we act in accordance to our faith, belief, values and principles. However, sometimes the Hyde in our Jekyll-self materializes in the most mysterious ways. In certain cases, the Hyde took over the body, repressing Jekyll inside for longer than we thought possible. And after a while, the true Jekyll find it more and more difficult to re-emerge, after being imprisoned inside for so long.

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I told Yam of the tafseer class I’d joined late last year. How joining that class, beside increasing my knowledge, had helped in changing lots of my current perceptions and altering my priorities. How joining the class had helped me in finding my old self. While it’s true that I seldom could concentrate fully in class – in fact, I had been known as someone who falls to sleep easily in class since high school – Ustaz Kariman’s tafseer class has become the highlight of my Fridays.

“It’s like a refreshing usrah session – only more,” I professed.

Amidst the many pensioners and middle-aged students in the class, I once again found myself surrounded by many who – just like my closest friends back in UK – held similar sets of values, principles and sentiments.

And in the midst of that class, by bits and pieces, I began to find my old true self once again.